Would you like to change your bad habits? How does our brain and childhood influence our destructive behaviors? How can good habits be built? This book will teach you all of these things and more. You can rewire your brain and overcome your addictions. You will learn how to do it in this book summary.
This summary is intended for who?
Goal-oriented people
Those with bad habits
Those who are addicted
Those studying psychology
A little about the author
More than five books on psychology have been written by Richard O'Connor. Northwest Center for Family Service and Mental Health was his nonprofit mental health clinic. He has offices in Connecticut and New York as a psychotherapist.
An introduction
Whenever you swear that you'll go on a diet, do you eat chocolate? Did you ever promise yourself that you'd stop doing something bad for you, but you didn't? After just a few days, you give up on turning your life around.
The purpose of this book is to teach you why we do things even if they aren't good for us. Learn about the two minds within us that are at war. Our bad habits are to blame for them. You'll discover how your childhood determines how your bad habits are formed.
Also, you will learn how self-control and will power can be used to overcome self-destructive behavior. A 12-step program is also discussed in this book summary.. Are you ready to rewire your brain to overcome addiction?
The two brains are not working together
The mind is telling you to stop opening another bag of chips or smoking another cigarette stick. Despite knowing you should stop harming yourself, you cannot.
As you try to stop doing things that can harm you, you don't know why you're doing them. It's always you who fails. Self-destructive behavior comes from our two minds that don't communicate well.
In one mind, we are told to do one thing, but in the other, we are told to do something else. We have an automatic self as well as a conscious self. The automatic self is where our self-destructive behaviors originate, although they are both problematic in their own ways.
Biases and prejudices come from our automatic self. Also here are your old and bad habits, as well as feelings that you're trying to bury. Meanwhile, your conscious self thinks carefully before making decisions.
Whatever the conscious self decides, it ensures that it does not harm us. One thing can be focused on at a time since it needs to concentrate. The automatic self has already made a lot of bad impulsive decisions while the conscious self is busy.
Your automatic self is already telling you to open the chocolate bars on your study table while your conscious self is thinking about what term paper to write. In order to resolve this conflict, you should train the automatic self to make healthier choices.
It's not impossible to stop self-destructive behavior. The physical structure of the brain can be changed by a person, according to studies. A brain's plasticity is what allows this to happen.
The brain forms new networks between cells as you learn to change self-destructive behaviors. The new networks then override the old ones that tell you to overeat, smoke, or drink.
You must be consistent with your new healthy habits if you want these new networks to form. As you practice healthy habits, it becomes easier for you to do them automatically.
Self-destructive behaviors can be changed by reading this entire book. Healthy habits cannot be changed unless you practice them consistently and regularly.
Mechanism of autodestruct
The automatic self acts unconsciously, as mentioned before. We are not aware that it is already making decisions for us. Keeping us happy, comfortable, and confident is its goal. In spite of its good intentions, our automatic self sometimes behaves in a way that initially makes us happy but later harms us.
Because of prejudices, biases, and a general lack of knowledge about certain topics, the automatic self is influenced by these factors. Putting on clothes you don't like because you want to fit in with other kids at school is a basic example of the automatic self messing up.
Your first feeling of belonging makes you happy. Later, you grow bitter because you feel like you're trying to be someone else. Let's examine the way we think to understand why the automatic self holds on to self-destructive behaviors.
We want everything in life to make sense as we go along. To make life predictable, we need patterns. You'll get rewarded if you do good.
The more patterns we create, the more paradigms we create to manage them. Paradigms are the ways in which we think about reality and the world. Growing up, we reinforce this line of thinking. As soon as it becomes permanent, it cannot be changed.
We tend to surround ourselves with people who share our views. We avoid those who challenge or oppose our beliefs. We stay away from people who don't believe getting drunk every weekend is fun. We become friends with the people at the bar because we think they're cool.
We nod along when concerned family and friends tell us about our behavior, but we don't listen. Our unconscious paradigms prevent our conscious self from correcting our problematic thinking.
The things that challenge the way we see the world and the way we see ourselves are blocked out. We protect ourselves when we're forced to address self-destructive behavior. By using denial, rationalization, or changing the subject, we try to avoid the issue. To protect our paradigm, we do everything we can.
It is a good idea to keep a journal if you want to become aware of your wrong paradigms. Facts or events that contradict our expectations are often dismissed. In other words, what we strongly believed about ourselves and the world would be wrong.
When you feel disappointed about something, write it down in your journal. Write down your expectations first. The second step is to write down what actually happened. As a third step, note any faulty beliefs and biases you may possess.
Fourth, make a list of the conclusions you reached based on your faulty beliefs and biases. Lastly, consider what you could have done differently. For instance, you expected to do well on your school report.
As a result, you did a mediocre job because you procrastinated. According to your biased paradigm, you could complete your report quickly. Next time, you decide to stop procrastinating and start working on your report early.
Waving the Red Flag
Crying or throwing tantrums are common ways for children to get attention. Crying is the best way to get attention from their parents. They can also get what they want by throwing tantrums.
Often, self-destructive adults throw tantrums to gain attention. In the middle of the mall, they don't necessarily cry and stomp their feet, but they seek attention. When adults do things that make other people pay attention to them, they wave a red flag. It's all unconscious, of course.
Unconsciously, these people hope someone will notice them and make them stop. Most people who engage in self-destructive behaviors to gain attention come from a shaky childhood. Self-control wasn't taught to them by their parents.
As a result, they act out. They may have been indulged by their parents and not given much guidance. It is also possible that adults with self-destructive behavior felt abandoned by their parents.
In their childhood, the individual may have felt unloved, unguided, or disrespected. It's not the same as finding love from other people. Self-destructive behaviors are a result of this unconscious frustration.
Self-destructive behavior is then performed in the hope that someone will tell the individual to stop. You'd expect a loving parent to do that, wouldn't you? Even when someone tries to stop them, they often do not listen. These individuals may also have dysfunctional relationships in addition to self-destructive behaviors.
The behaviors of attention-seeking people include suicide, self-harm, alcoholism, and drug abuse. They try to get attention, but they are afraid of being rejected. They were rejected as kids, so what makes this so different now? As a result, they harm themselves or others to get people's attention.
However, these red flag wavers are never satisfied since they know the attention they have is manipulated. They need to develop will power and better control themselves. These two essentials should be learned by anyone with a bad habit.
It is possible to strengthen your will power and self-control just as you can define your muscles with exercise. You can use these abilities to avoid falling back into bad habits. If you could break one bad habit, what would it be? You can find some helpful tips here.
You must be 100% committed to a promise you make to yourself. Don't let your old ways return to you. Make sure everyone knows how you are doing. They will check up on you if you stop telling them about it. Alternatively, you can search for charities online.
Your credit card is linked to that charity, so if you go back to an old habit, your card will automatically deduct money.
Donate to a politician you despise or a cause you oppose to motivate yourself to reach your goal. It is also helpful to avoid things that may trigger your will power.
You can avoid bars on your way home if you have a drinking problem, for example. It is also important to avoid bad influences. Having friends who drink regularly can make it easier to say yes to a beer or two.
If they don't respect your decision, slowly distance yourself from them. Whenever you feel tempted to smoke or drink, remind yourself of how far you've come. Over time, breaking your bad habits will become easier.
Prepare yourself mentally and physically for the long process. It's important not to let this discourage you. Breaking a bad habit becomes easier with every day you commit to it.
Addictions: You're Hooked
When you are addicted to something, you don't have any self-control. Depending on your addiction, you're either addicted to a substance or to a certain behavior. Consuming too much or too little food, buying impulsively, and having unsafe sexual behavior are all bad behaviors.
If you don't get your daily fix, you feel distress. When you try to stop, you experience withdrawal symptoms like insomnia, agitation, and anxiety. Despite your best efforts, you never quit.
You fool yourself into believing that you are in control by doing this. Before anything else, why do people become addicted to substances or bad behaviors? It is easy to understand why people become addicted to substances such as alcohol. You feel good after drinking alcohol.
You generally have a good time when you're drunk because it loosens you up. As soon as the alcohol is out of your system, you become irritable and bored. As a result, you keep drinking in order to feel good again. When you use drugs, your brain creates intense cravings.
The brain's pleasure center can be stimulated by substances such as cocaine and tobacco. As a result of this activation, a neurotransmitter called dopamine is released. The person then feels good due to this neurotransmitter.
It's easy to see why drug addicts are addicted to drugs. Long-term drug use damages the brain's pleasure center. As a result of this damage, you might need to take more of the drug to feel better.
While your liver is being destroyed by the drugs, other parts of your body are being damaged. The relationships you have with your family and friends also deteriorate. Except for getting a fix, you don't care about anything anymore.
What is the best way to overcome an addiction? The author recommends being honest with yourself first. When you're addicted, you must admit that you're not in control. Getting support from others who are battling the same demons as you can be a huge help.
Keep in mind that you are basically building your life from scratch. A 12-step program like this one was inspired by an organization called Alcoholics Anonymous. It gives you rules for how to change your life so that you can benefit from the program.
Despite the fact that it won't be easy and you'll sometimes want to give up, the 12-step program will be able to help you through it. Ensure you have a support group before following these steps. Make sure you have a support system around you, whether it is a therapist or a friend.
In order to get your fix, you will do things that you don't want to do. There will be betrayals, lies, and even thefts in your life. Getting over addiction will be difficult and painful, but the good news is that you'll be able to live a better life afterward.
Firstly, you must admit that you are addicted. Don't believe you're in control or that you can always quit. You will never be able to stop if you keep telling yourself this.
Second, take it one day at a time. Keep repeating and believing in this goal. Whenever you feel like self-destructing, just tell yourself, "don't do it today.". It's not complicated, and anyone can do it.
The third step is to acknowledge that there will be tough days. Get ready to think about the self-destructive thing when you can't help yourself. Keep in mind that it will pass, no matter how tempting it may be. Imagine how good you will feel if you don't revert to your old habits.
The fourth step is to return to your morals. It's okay to admit that your self-destructive behavior caused you to do awful things. You may have an addiction, but don't use it as an excuse. Now is the time to commit to being honest.
In the fifth step, ask those you have hurt for forgiveness. It helps you become a better person and is related to the fourth step.
Sixth, share your time with others. Join a local beach cleanup or be a companion to an elderly person. Feeling good can come from doing good. As well as adding positivity to the world, it's a way to make the world a better place.
The seventh step is to practice mindfulness activities. You are mindful when you are aware of how you react and behave. You can spot wrong actions when you are mindful of yourself. Once you have done that, you will be able to correct yourself.
The eighth step is to repeatedly believe that you can fake it until you make it. Several large and famous support groups use this line, including Alcoholics Anonymous. Just attend meetings and repeat the phrases if you're just starting on your path to recovery.
By doing this repeatedly, it eventually becomes a part of your routine. It won't be long before you can say that you're no longer an addict. Even if you do not believe in it, continue to follow the steps.
The ninth step is to find a sponsor if you don't have a support group. Sponsors are people you tell everything about your recovery journey to. Even if it is painful, they will listen to you without judgement.
Tenth, keep a journal if you can't find a sponsor. Every day, make a video or write about your experience. Describe how you feel on good days or how intense cravings can be.
As an eleventh suggestion, keep your short-term goal in mind, while also keeping your long-term goal in mind. In addition to taking things day by day, it's nice to have a long-term goal in mind. You are rewiring your brain every day when you don't return to your self-destructive ways.
You will gradually rebuild your brain so that you are no longer dependent on drugs or bad behavior. Getting better at resisting temptation will get easier as you progress.
To conclude, practice is the twelfth step. The key to success is repetition. Brain connections have been formed by bad habits. The stronger and faster these new connections will be, the more you repeat and practice them every day.
As a conclusion
You learned that your two minds are at war, so you do things that aren't good for you. You make thoughtful decisions with the help of your conscious self. As a result, it works slowly and carefully as it concentrates on all the choices you have to make.
The automatic self, on the other hand, makes decisions without thinking about them. The brain reacts on reflex, regardless of whether it is good for you or not. Is there a way to stop doing things you know are wrong? The automatic self needs to be trained to make healthier decisions.
Due to the plasticity of the brain, this is possible. As a result, the brain can change its structure depending on what you think and do. Your brain can literally be rewired.
In this lesson, you learned that the automatic self acts in accordance with its goal, which is to make you happy, confident, and comfortable. There is no consideration for whether the methods for achieving happiness are bad or destructive.
To overcome bad habits, you need to develop self-control and will power. Since these bad habits begin in childhood, it can be difficult to break them. You should promise yourself you are going to change.
You will be able to resist temptation by making baby steps through the 12-step program. It will take a lot of work to change yourself for the better. It is your brain that is responsible for your bad habits. It is up to you to be the best you can be.
It is possible to rewire your brain and change for the better by practicing good habits every day. By defeating your demons, you can inspire other people to do the same. Despite what you might think, you are stronger than you think. Take it day by day. Addictions, destructive behaviors, and bad habits will eventually fade from your life.
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